Holdin' My Effin Breathe

This was written back in September 2020.  

Is this the twilight zone? Today I woke up in a daze, or a haze, or a phase, I'm honestly not too sure.  Dear diary, all in a year's time, I honestly don't be knowing.  But it's really because I do.  It's the feeling of holding your breathe under water.  Why do we do it? We want to see how much we can take.  We want to test the boundaries.  We want to hold on to the very last moment thinking that we might reach a new level of thinking or feeling.  Yeah.  Since May, I've been holding my breathe.  Wondering if people will vote in November.  Wondering if the things I read in the news are real.  Wondering why God sent me to college to study Criminal Justice in a micro lens to now have to survive in a World where Breonna will never see justice.  And it's not just her.  It's everyone else like her.  Why did I fall in love with the Notorious RBG, for her death to fall at a time in the World when we need her alive the most.  Just keep breathing.... as a woman I've always been under attack in the scheme of things.  When I was growing up I admired how the country was moving, slowly, but still moving towards a more perfect union.  Until 2017.  When they compared the truth to an alternative fact on major media outlets.  When we let Nazis go unpunished for protesting in the name of hate, which resulted in the killing of a protester in Charlottesville.   

As a black woman, I am not one of the 200,000 American souls that have been swiped out by the coronavirus.  But the stats read that I should have been.  The rules say that no-knock warrants were legal and that despite mismanagement of police officers, her life has been cowardly taken away.  The police are bad.  But they are trained to be.  They are trained to be aggressive.  They are praised for it.  They were created to protect white communities from non-White civilians.  It's 2020.  We have come far from the establishment of police forces but we yet to discuss white privilege.  And how the system has told certain Americans how to act and painted inaccurate behaviors of those they chose to oppress.