WHAT IS LIFE, NO LIKE FORREAL FORREALS

 Dear Diary,

Da faq.  I can and at the very same moment I CAN'T.  I think it's just all a lot.  Probably need an escape vacay, one of the selfie ones I take with my iPhone camera to record a vlog.  Speaking to myself is actually a really good thing for me.  Sometimes after months of just having to SHOW UP for all sorts of activities I want to talk, but not to any of you.  Not even Frankie at times.  Oh yea, bruh, marriage is hard.  Maybe one of the more difficult managed aspects in my current life perhaps.  Not like it's hard being faithful or staying down on the bad days but hard in the sense that there are no real rules or measures to tell you "you're doing a good job" or "this emotion is fleeting and is not a sign of something bigger" or even "maybe these emotions are triggering due to something else...", there are no real answers.  There is only discussion.  Talking, communicating, LISTENING, speaking clearly, understanding and misunderstandings are easier to type than to experience.  My go to are youtube studies of old lovers who look old and are still smiling while sitting on the porch next to one another.  Maybe this is what it is all for.  The end days where my life becomes gardening and collecting.  I want someone there.  I saw my grandma spend my entire 34 years old, emotionally and physically alone, outside of the hugs from her grandchildren and I knew, that wouldn't be me.  I like the company of a man.  I like the feeling of companionship.  I understand that I like it but I don't necessarily NEED IT.  Before me and my husband got serious serious like life serious, I pondered if I wanted to be wanted or needed in love.  I picked wanted.  Wants keep you interested, it keeps you engaged, it keeps you in love and on your toes.  The adventure is where it's at for a woman like myself.  I never really asked him, but I wonder, to him, if I'm needed or simply, wanted.  Or is it time that has added it's two cents into our relationship.  It has been 10 years come November.  The same person in ten years.  Even writing it makes me feel like heading for the hills.  Why would young people want to be married to the same person? Maybe it's for the fifty-somethings.  Maybe we cause issues on ourselves.  

If something isn't broken, why do we try to fix it? Human nature.  It's easy to push back at emotions, thoughts, motives, and even actions that feel unwarranted.  Getting vaccinated for ie, is something I did without a real thought in March because I wanted to get out of living in a pandemic.  I couldn't understand why a backlash would even exist when people died without one all year last year.  I prayed on New Years Day that a vaccine would be regulated so that Americans would no longer die.  I thought God heard me.  But here we are.  Months after my shots have long left my anxiety chambers, I'm tasked with fighting disinformation across social media and blogs.  I own a media company and I am a public person.  There are unspoken responsibilities.  I am educated.  I fight for transparency, accountability, and the promotion of accuracy through research.  It feels like a bubble.  And it's a dangerous bubble to burst as ignorance backed by refutable evidence creates anger in places confusion only lived.  I did a report for my company about Cults that came out earlier in January.  After Jan 6th, I lost most of my faith in the stupid ones, the selfish ones, the racist ones.  Research and knowledge sharing is how I retaliate against obtuseness and self-indulgence which is where I believe most naysayers lie.  If you're reading this, do your research with your doctor, and try to see why so many are trying to disarm the vaccine.  Death is real.

IT'S SHOWTIME!

I got casted in a play which opens Oct 1st and 2nd in midtown NYC.  I am playing a pan-sexual cis gender female named Tanasia who is dating an Italian transgendered woman named Frankie.  The play is 3 acts, where I guide Frankie on how to engage with my mother, Winnie.  The play reflects everything I stand for as an activist.  BLM, LGBTQ, and a touch of METOO.  If they could angle in pot smoking freedoms it would be a full Monty for me, lolz.  I love making space but I didn't see how portrayal of characters was important just as much as writing the stories so I'm taking a risk going from screenwriter to actor.  I need classes, I need help, but I am having so much fun.  It's weird.  You audition, get rejected or just silence which is worst than rejection because you feel unseen, and then you get something that fits you and it barely feels like acting, it feels like playing.  I come from the stage but as a dancer.  This is a good time for me to go back as Broadway has just re-opened and tons of actors have left the space.  Maybe it's time for you to make some sort of lateral jump in your career.  Try a new department, think outside of your little box, it's endearing but the universe will always catch you.

Here's some information about the play including tickets: https://www.chillbp.com/its-an-italian-thing-no-its-a-black-thing.html

Tee Slaves music is a real life thing and Dance on Fire is doing exactly what I intended it to do, make people listen closer.  As an independent artist, you're bombarded by the industry looking to suck your pockets dry, it's proof that it cost money in music to be heard but I do believe there are creative ways to have fun as you climb up the ladder.  Everyone makes it their own way.  I like the Tee Slaves Way.

Watch Dance On Fire here: 

I'm still busy teaching away on my youtube channel, sharing mental health tools via my podcast, and living my best life day to day.  This diary entry is for me to unload some of the items holding up space in my heart.  When baggage is heavy, drop it.  I hope you found something that helps you here.  I'll chat with you soon.

XO

Tahyira aka Tee Slaves aka Tanasia 

:)