Circling The Drain....
I stared down, the hot ass shower head on my shoulder blade felt like a cloak, the water was draining and that’s how I felt about my entire 2017. I was standing in my tub. It’s randomly cold in LA and with a non heated apartment, I refer to my self-made hot tub to warm me up. #teamAnemic As I was thinking about what to say in this post, I looked down at my feet as the water circled the drain and I sighed. One of those, alrighty get out of the shower and let’s get to work sighs. After every shower, I’ve trained myself since September to do a slight meditation. I wash away all the bad and I breathe in all that is good. If I have zero bucks in my wallet, I make a tea at home and hit the park. When I’m back in the hundreds, I’ll take a long walk to Starbucks and work from there. There is no such thing as bad and good. There is only how you deal. The way we deal will be determined by the outcome. There is no way to predict what is about to happen right? Wrong. We all have an inclining when something is in shift mode. You don’t feel yourself. The universe is responding but you are doing all kinds of debauchery to ignore it.
That happened to me a few awkward times this year. Back in January, I was working at a company. Wait, I was overworking myself to death at this one company. It ended badly. I hate them all. Without the company, however, I would most likely still be living in Brooklyn. Opportunities take a toll on you. Those of you who have first-hand experiences with moving state to state solely for opportunities then you feel me. Let me break it down for the rest of you. The tunnel vision syndrome as I like to call it keeps us busy as ever. Do you ever get out of tunnel traffic and it’s been dark for so long you literally feel a relief when you see the light as you are nearing the end? Being an entrepreneur, a poor one, this happens repeatedly. We experience spurts of celebratory moments, we experience simple glow-ups, and we see our dreams making headway. It’s a legit roller coaster. You run from one opportunity to the next and if you’re a workaholic like myself then you give it your whole self.
I hit a wall. I got to LA. I was all alone. I left the guy I was supposed to be with back in New York City. My parents were going on over a year without communicating and were filing for divorce. I missed my Grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle. I missed my best friend. I lost a best friend. I was starting to tip slowly to the edge of my mind. I remember walking on Sunset Blvd back in April and a gust of wind hit me. I pictured a scene from my favorite movie Forrest Gump. The scene where Jenny climbed on top the balcony, stoned out of her mind. For a split second, I saw myself as her. Would I jump? Never. I love myself way-way like way too much for suicide but why did my mind just go there. It wasn’t the first time a vision like that, movie related, has happened to me either. I immersed myself in television and film as a kid. I think when regular kids had like favorite flicks, I would be like nope this is going to win awards and be a best seller. I think I connected emotionally through cinematic movements. More than music. A movie would captivate my entire imagination and for those 120 minutes, I was in my own World. I realized I was passionate.
Sunset Blvd is one of those iconic streets in Hollywood. I mean everyone who is anyone in the entertainment World has been here. There is so much history just simply in the air. I walk around Paramount Studios and Raleigh Studios just to be in the same space as the kinds of people I want to work and create with. I never thought I would actually make it all the way here on my own. But I did. I was always putting opportunities in front of everyone and everything. I like to use extreme words when talking about my dreams because if you aren’t willing to die for them, they aren’t worth it. I inspire others to boldly go in the direction of their dreams. It is true happiness when compared to any sort of alternative. Opportunities take a toll on you. A lot of the people around me will never say, hey you’re working too much or too hard. That is what I needed though. I wouldn’t have listened but that’s beside the point. We need to check in with people, like seriously.
Since I take personal stock of my own life I got myself into low-key therapy, the uninsured kind. I also started advocating for depression and mental health check-ins. I spoke to a few friends and I was shocked at how flip everyone was about it. The guy from Queens essentially moved to LA in May. We got married this holiday, also very low-key. He didn’t know a strong person like myself could be out here in the World helping others all the while struggling with her own issues. I am outspoken. The problem is, you can’t speak out until you have something to say. I didn’t know I was struggling either but then again I sort of did. I cut off all my vices. In an attempt to buckle down and be more focused. We need our vices! Don’t ever give them up. I would suggest finding out what is hurting you.
What was hurting me was that the strength I feel I possess is always taken lightly. Even when I feel like I’m screaming from the rooftop about any given cause or issue, I always feel like it’s all falling on deaf ears. I would tell my parents, you know I think you need to speak. I would tell my bosses, hey you need to watch out for snakes in the company. I would tell my partner, I’m not waiting around for your stupid ass anymore. I would tell my friends, you all need to grow the fuck up stat. I know I was born to be a light yet before 2017 I wasn’t sure which direction the light should be heading. The universe responded. I am a steady light. I was brought into the World to remain a light for others to see. I was born with the superior mental strength and an intuition that is unmatched.
I met so many great folks on and offline this year. As much as doors slam shut in my face, other doors always open. I have circled the drain. The old Tahyira has been washed away along with her pride, she restrains, and her shame. The year of thirty has freed a new person within. The World better watch the fuck out.
Happy New Years from Tahyira 🍾
That happened to me a few awkward times this year. Back in January, I was working at a company. Wait, I was overworking myself to death at this one company. It ended badly. I hate them all. Without the company, however, I would most likely still be living in Brooklyn. Opportunities take a toll on you. Those of you who have first-hand experiences with moving state to state solely for opportunities then you feel me. Let me break it down for the rest of you. The tunnel vision syndrome as I like to call it keeps us busy as ever. Do you ever get out of tunnel traffic and it’s been dark for so long you literally feel a relief when you see the light as you are nearing the end? Being an entrepreneur, a poor one, this happens repeatedly. We experience spurts of celebratory moments, we experience simple glow-ups, and we see our dreams making headway. It’s a legit roller coaster. You run from one opportunity to the next and if you’re a workaholic like myself then you give it your whole self.
I hit a wall. I got to LA. I was all alone. I left the guy I was supposed to be with back in New York City. My parents were going on over a year without communicating and were filing for divorce. I missed my Grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle. I missed my best friend. I lost a best friend. I was starting to tip slowly to the edge of my mind. I remember walking on Sunset Blvd back in April and a gust of wind hit me. I pictured a scene from my favorite movie Forrest Gump. The scene where Jenny climbed on top the balcony, stoned out of her mind. For a split second, I saw myself as her. Would I jump? Never. I love myself way-way like way too much for suicide but why did my mind just go there. It wasn’t the first time a vision like that, movie related, has happened to me either. I immersed myself in television and film as a kid. I think when regular kids had like favorite flicks, I would be like nope this is going to win awards and be a best seller. I think I connected emotionally through cinematic movements. More than music. A movie would captivate my entire imagination and for those 120 minutes, I was in my own World. I realized I was passionate.
Sunset Blvd is one of those iconic streets in Hollywood. I mean everyone who is anyone in the entertainment World has been here. There is so much history just simply in the air. I walk around Paramount Studios and Raleigh Studios just to be in the same space as the kinds of people I want to work and create with. I never thought I would actually make it all the way here on my own. But I did. I was always putting opportunities in front of everyone and everything. I like to use extreme words when talking about my dreams because if you aren’t willing to die for them, they aren’t worth it. I inspire others to boldly go in the direction of their dreams. It is true happiness when compared to any sort of alternative. Opportunities take a toll on you. A lot of the people around me will never say, hey you’re working too much or too hard. That is what I needed though. I wouldn’t have listened but that’s beside the point. We need to check in with people, like seriously.
Since I take personal stock of my own life I got myself into low-key therapy, the uninsured kind. I also started advocating for depression and mental health check-ins. I spoke to a few friends and I was shocked at how flip everyone was about it. The guy from Queens essentially moved to LA in May. We got married this holiday, also very low-key. He didn’t know a strong person like myself could be out here in the World helping others all the while struggling with her own issues. I am outspoken. The problem is, you can’t speak out until you have something to say. I didn’t know I was struggling either but then again I sort of did. I cut off all my vices. In an attempt to buckle down and be more focused. We need our vices! Don’t ever give them up. I would suggest finding out what is hurting you.
What was hurting me was that the strength I feel I possess is always taken lightly. Even when I feel like I’m screaming from the rooftop about any given cause or issue, I always feel like it’s all falling on deaf ears. I would tell my parents, you know I think you need to speak. I would tell my bosses, hey you need to watch out for snakes in the company. I would tell my partner, I’m not waiting around for your stupid ass anymore. I would tell my friends, you all need to grow the fuck up stat. I know I was born to be a light yet before 2017 I wasn’t sure which direction the light should be heading. The universe responded. I am a steady light. I was brought into the World to remain a light for others to see. I was born with the superior mental strength and an intuition that is unmatched.
I met so many great folks on and offline this year. As much as doors slam shut in my face, other doors always open. I have circled the drain. The old Tahyira has been washed away along with her pride, she restrains, and her shame. The year of thirty has freed a new person within. The World better watch the fuck out.
Happy New Years from Tahyira 🍾
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