Well Bitch, I Was Just Tryna Be Nice

Everywhere you turn someone is like please help me.  You cannot even help yourself.  Today I woke up late because I went to bed late reading tweets from all the young people who voted for the very first time.  Before I went home I stopped with a friend to support her at her show.  I was so drained but it felt like a moment that meant to happen, if that makes any sense to you. call me! It was.  I went to the show and heard a poet named Blacks Universe.  I been watching a lot of poetry and content from the 1990s for the last two week and I just felt like her entire being was just a blast from the past.  An old soul.  She wore a BLACK BY POPULAR DEMAND tee.  It felt good to be on Hollywood Blvd and surrounded by the Wakanda-kind.  We really do need to be in more communal spaces together.  It's like perhaps the same energy used on those plantations all those years ago are in us now.  Weird, yeah I know.  But truth none the less.  You can't front on the stuff you feel.

I personally felt like I've been getting attacked because of who I am and what I say.  I never understand it though.  We are allowed to be free.  I find when I let bad energy or assume someone's energy matches my own is mainly when I get attacked.  "Well I don't need you to comment on that." "Well I'm not you I can't do that." "You're blessed, at least you got a husband."

WELL BITCH I WAS JUST TRYNA BE NICE (INSERTS ROLLING EYE EMOJI) 

Lol. Not but forreals though.  People quick to lash out on others when its like, here's a slip, please see the shrink.  I mean this is what they say about the difference in space between people who are consistently working on themselves versus those that pretend to.  When I met my boyfriend he was fresh out of jail and hungry for trouble.  It took 3 years for my positive influence to seep into his lifestyle.  I led by example.  I told him the raw ugly truths.  He was also my friend first so it was very much: bruh get ya life and don't slam my car door again, NIGGA! At that point I was just trying to block out anything that made me feel rejected which is what everything was doing at that time.

The sad stories of millennials with no names and high degrees has been told over and over but in therapy I'm learning to put words to the feelings.  Graduating and not find a job on the onset of those promises creates a feeling of rejection when you do not get what you feel you earned.  I walk this path.  I killed myself several times along this path.  Last September I was marching towards hell on this path, then I looked up one day and said, grow up. You were born to be better Tahyira, do better.  You don't get to give up on yourself, not ever.  If the World shuts every door on you which never happens you will always find new doors.  Hint hint, doors are people.  People are here.  At 31 almost 32 I have done more than a lot of 50 year olds.  How do I know? Because I've been told.  People like you don't come around often and when you continue to tap into your daydreams Tahyira, God will open the doors (send you more people).  

Let's get back to the people though.  I see a lot of unhappy smiles.  I see tons of fake social media emotions.  We live online.  But I'm a loner.  I like to be in own head.  I like to share.  I don't think I would be this open if I didn't have a love life.  I think it's the best ingredient in my life.  I love to feel.  I cry at sad movies.  I cry during dance routines if the mood strikes me.  I was born to feel.  I used to tell myself I don't feel anything, that I'm unemotional.  That was a sign characteristic.  I am an Aquarian but I am not just an Aquarius.  Finding out who I am meant to be is more important then trying to tell another what to do.  So let's get back to the attacks.  The energy I am creating around me and the spaces I want to be in is different.  I have integrity in a town where people sell their souls for a blue check.  We have become so unfriendly because of instant gratifications and fake love.  I never wanted fake anything.  

I want to be raw.  To create in rawness.  To love in rawness.  To continue to be open with myself while also exploring all of the emotions that I have stifled to keep strong.  When my husband sees me cry it taps into his male ego, which he never had to tap into before, because I protected it by being strong.  Half of my emotional weight is now on his shoulders and I feel a lot better with that.  Love is the key.  Love is the thing.  I hope you never give up on those that love you.  I hope you never forget to LOVE YOURSELF.

Until I have another EUREKA moment....

Catch ya on I N S T A G R A M 

🔛